Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
