the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
