If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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