I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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