3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.