Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
