I wish I could teleport
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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