FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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