I just threw up on my dentist
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
