My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
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can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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