Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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