maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
