You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
