My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
