I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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