I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
