she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.