Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit