You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my being single is dangerous.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
