my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.