3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.