oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
