I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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