I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I deserve this hangover.
Congratulations! We have a period
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
