Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
