Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
