Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
