I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
