he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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