I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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