just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
