Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
