I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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