I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Randomize
