I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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