What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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