In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
