I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
