I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
