Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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