You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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