i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
