Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
