I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm like, not good at living.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
