i don't like sucking hair
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
