just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
