I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
