You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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