Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
