saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
