i don't like sucking hair
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
