I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
