Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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