4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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