Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
