hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
