She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
