I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
