Betty ford says i'm here all night
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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