Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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