one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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