listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
